day 8,9: protocols, guidelines and project-management, emotional stability

The system itself is now… complete.
Complete in the sense, that if I “follow” it, it tells me what to do and how to maintain it in the vaguest of terms. That’s what “protocols” and “guidelines” are for.
Also I think I found a way to integrate “projects” in a way, that is workable.

I am getting better at writing and explaining.
Though that also means, I get hyperfocussed on writing explanations.
And if I’m going to write about those concepts, I’d like to explain them fully or not much at all?
I really don’t like tl;dr-versions or summaries for this. Don’t know why.
Probably, because the way I’m doing things… is not something I’ve seen done before.
My system is… fuzzy and informal by design.
Vague intentions I may deign to follow over hard and fast rules.
Something like GTD has hard edges. But I’ve come to learn that this does not work well.
That makes it quite legible though.
But I can’t just say “like this” or link to something that already exists.
Because my system is still evolving. An ongoing negotiation with myself of what is desirable (and when) and a process of discovery of how to get that.
Any summary would naturally pose more questions than it answers.
The fundamental ideas are in place and are implemented.
I could already do a full systems description, but by describing it, documenting it, I’d find a bunch of things to change.
And… well… the system is needed to do things.

It already makes me spend a lot of time to extend it, make it better and more efficient.
But right now, it should not be more self-referential as it already is.
I need to use the system for things that are not itself.
Urgent long-neglected commitments of choice.

And really… this mini-series was probably the worst, most disjointed piece of writing, I ever published or ever will publish. Unfiltered ADHD. Quite cringey.
Especially since I was so uncharacteristically emotional the last week. Very uncharacteristic.
Normally, I would edit for clarity and cut out tangents, even if I do produce them.
But now I am quite a lot calmer.
And if/when I am not anymore, I am confident will be able to deal with that.

Building that system was (and is) important to me.
It was started with newfound resolve, ending half a year of dissociated, experimental floundering about, with neither plan nor discipline.
[well my previous breakout attempts and plans I made, were so terribly boring and uninspring, they made me escape into the comforting embrace of idiotic hyperfocus]
It was important to me, that I… write about it publically.
That I stand by the intention.
Not because I believe there is honor in embarrasing yourself with bad writing or sounding like a lunatic, but because I wanted this system to work really badly.
I needed it to.
Because my back is… to the wall. And that really helps.
Even more reason, I should commit.

Because I have felt similar inspiration before, yet failed.
Many times before, I believed myself to have the solution to the general problem I face.
But incomplete understanding and circumstance… often made me forget even the insights and ideas, that were viable and promising.

Knowing, I would have to write about my progress (even if usually a day late), I was motivated to try harder. To not forget about it. And to break away from distraction.
Writing, commiting myself publically gave me an edge.
Now it served its purpose.

So I leave with a promise to explain the glorious, most-innovative, probabilistic, magical-incremental system (I’ll find a better name, don’t worry), at some point when I get around to it.
Probably within a month or so.
This very system was the point of this long-neglected blog “antifragile agency”.
But I could not write about what I did not yet possess, nor knew how to achieve.

Now I do.

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