day 6, 7: refactoring synesthesia system, building up TB, reflections on meditation/magic practices

Progress. Lots of changes.
No energy left to document any of them here.
The description of my ideas would be messy, anyway.
The system is a synthesis of too many concepts, a lot of life experience and the many lessons of previous failures.
So when I hand-waive at “magic” or “incremental” or the “problem of continued mindfulness” and make a mess out of things… it’s due to not having the time to be formal and precise.
There are principles which I use, to implement a system to get control over my cognitive processes.
The aim of the system is more than just about “being organized”.
It’s also and more so about creating an organizational framework, that I slowly weave into my perception of reality itself.
The aim of which, is to sidestep the deficits in executive function, that come along with ADHD.
But I have much higher ambitions than that.
And I am pioneering this approach. Noone has quite attempted, what I am doing.
[to my knowledge, at least; certainly individual components of it, but not for the same purpose]
And since I’m building this very thing “incrementally”, I can’t even describe it, since even I am still learning about the shape it will take.
It is very much a project of my own.
And I’m happy about that.
And I apologize, dear reader, that I will thus have to be quite vague, obtuse and hand-waivy.
Once it matures, this will change. But I am still in the critical phase of it.
No time for writing down all the ideas, finding the right words.
[if I tried, I’d discover new ideas and if I wrote about them… I’d never stop writing]
Soon though.

I am at 50% efficiency of time used.
That’s… a good number comparitively.
I feel energized… till I deal with quite a bit of mental exhaustion.
That’s progress though.
Mental exhaustion is much better than the dissociated confusion, I’ve had before.
The effect of the weeklong reading-binge seem to slowly recede.
When I’m taking breaks, I allow myself reading time. Or internet surfing time.
Or maybe I can’t prevent myself? Hmm…. not really compulsion.
Part tactically tapering off. Part not having protocols in place to use “mentally exhausted” time differently.
Making so much progress, making so many decisions…
Not quite easy.
The more I do, the more I notice, I have to do.
An old problem. One that used to discourage me, especially if I can’t work without breaks.
No longer though.

Another problem is that I have to intersperse work on the system with meditaiton practice to stabilize the system.
But since I’m making up my own idiosyncratic school of meditation for this, as I go along…
it’s difficult to remember. Or rather, when I remember, it’s difficult to know what to do.
But I’m building a protocol for that.

The changes of the last few days were about protocols.
Formalizing what to do when. Giving myself a list of steps for determining my behaviour.
Sounds rigid, but… it’s done in a way, that it’s not.
And there it is again… can’t explain that either. Yet.

I wonder and worry a little bit… my new approach is heavily visualization-based.
I am getting better. But there is extreme variance in vividness.
If I manage to meditate outside for an hour or longer… get somewhat lucky when lying in bed with my eyes closed… the vividness of visualization is extreme.
I simply cannot match that on command. Not yet, anyway.
Can’t just do screen work for two hours, close my eyes and see vivid images like that.
So I kinda have to bet… my system as I am designing it… assumes that a lot of what I’m trying to do can be practiced to a high level.

Let me tell you though… at the highest of levels. The pinnacle of human achievement in visualization.
Visualization so strong, that you actually override your visual perception and start drawing glowing runes into the air. Or on command, put a color filter on top of your vision.
Daniel Ingram does that and it’s part of what inspired me for this all:

Of course I want that. But this form of “magical” practice, whilst very impressive…
involves mutli-week retreats of intense meditation. By people with decades of intense meditation experience (and specifically those who are rather hardcore).
And from the descriptions of it, also… a kind of cultivated psychosis. Or at least well… magical thinking.
So yeah… what I’m trying to do is cultivate what the Buddhists know as “psychic powers”.
Except using my own ad-hoc created system of cultivation and not their esoteric mythology.
Or indulging in solipsistic confusion about “What’s reality anyway?”.

So in the same way… I do hope to one day paint glowing symbols into the air with my fingers.
[though that level of intensity is merely desirable, but not necessary for my ambitions]
But if not? If this can truly be done only on retreat? Well, then I will have lost nothing.
After all, I aim to live a life on the offensive, rather one on retreat 🙂

But if I ever pull that off, I’d never be confused about the fact, that this is just strong visualization and cultivated technique. And there aren’t actually glowing runes in the air.
The field is understudied and underexploited.
And whilst I never would have known about such feats being possible, other than by reading “Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha”… I’m certainly not going to use any ancient Buddhist text to cultivate such abilities.
Or take Alesteir Crowley or some other magical system seriously as a guide.
[turns out, there’s a lot of those… apparently demon summoning… involves vivid hallucinations about actual demons (I never knew that crazy people led such exciting lifes!)]

There’s a more complicated argument about… perception-shaping here. Hmm… forgot the term. But if I read, that I have to master the 4th Jhana before I can cultivate lé psychic powers… if I took that seriously, well I’d set up a self-fulfilling prophecy of not being able to do what I need to.
I have done formal meditation à la “The Mind Illuminated” in the past and cultivated it, explored it… but I have no interest… or rather no ability to follow such an external program rigorously.

So I rather invent my own mediative/magical practice from scratch.
Or rather from my own knowledge base of modern theories of mind, consciousness, synesthesia, autism, ADHD, predictive processing, Friston’s Free Energy principle, psychology, software design…

No Buddhist actually tried using psychic powers to make themselves a more capable person. As cool as magical practice is, it seems an indulgence of esoteric sorts and the otherworldly meditation prodigies in their monasteries. Good for them. I’m not judging.
[I lied, I am judging and totally do not respect that… which itself is a bit of a character flaw and this is totally a straw man…. and blablabla not all Buddhists/meditators are like that]

But me? I’m not in this for spiritual attainment of any sorts.
I’m with the Stoics of antiquity. In this world, of this world, for this world.
I crave a different kind of virtue.
If it’s not making me get better at earning power, wealth & status (those and other juicy preferrred indifferents), then it’s a sinful waste of a mortal’s limited time.

Oh, I’ll certainly reinvent the wheel.
And after discovering my best practices after loads of experimentation, I will find them easily in the ancient texts.
But I still think, that making a system for myself, for my own purposes… is the more efficient path nevertheless.

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