day 5: color changes, partial software reformat and withdrawal effects

So after writing the blog-post, I meditated and thought deeply about the color-system and how it works. Discovered loads of new ideas and problems of the current implementation.
Made many changes. And then started to reorganize the structure in TheBrain to fit with those changes.
Making a lot of design decisions to solve the “continuation of mindfulness”-problem.
[will elaborate on that another time]
But then after some hours… I burnt out. Started with confusion and lethargy.
Was not able to visualize much anymore. Or control my thoughts much.
Not enough energy/clarity left for further action.

So I took a nap and then later, I felt resentment and despair. And anxiety. The feeling, that I am running out of time. Regret over wasted time. Paralysis of sorts.
Ended up taking a break on the evening, reading two newly published chapters of rationalist stories I follow (Animoprhs, Origin of Species) and spending loads of time commenting on them.
An old hyperfocus pattern. Felt better than… well doing nothing.
I’d say… it was a kind of withdrawal-effect.
I was not surprised about that happening, tbh.
After writing the post yesterday, I knew that I would feel inspired to never pick up stories again.
And that… was still true. I believed in my commitment to never lose days again.
But spending so much time doing nothing but reading, the last couple weeks has lots of attached momentum. So the hours I wasted were already lost in a sense.
Would it have been better, if I could have stopped myself and… stared at a wall the whole time I felt extreme depression? Maybe.
But do I actually have the self-control to do that, when it occurs? Nope. Not yet, anyway.
Figuring out how to control ones actions, when at any time, incredibly harsh/intense moods might come about… that is part of the “continuation of mindfulness”-problem.
My mood did improve, when reading the stories.
Would it have, anyway? Maybe.
Was there another way to improve my mood? Well, I certainly didn’t feel like exercise.
Maybe it would have helped?
Finding protocols and best practices to ride those out, that’s part of the problem, I was trying to solve just before. But I did not get that far.

day 6: [will merge with day 6 post, once that day is over]
Momentum of yesterday ended up with me checking in on responses on Reddit. And some idle reading. Completely out of bounds of my system. 2 hours lost.
But another recent pattern is to press alt+3 and check the timestamps.
So I actually realize how much time was spent, which is good.

The system itself does not have a good way to ensure, that I keep using it.
No guaranteed re-entry, when the pattern is broken by sleep.
Writing this… seems to establish a good pattern to make me go back to work.
Can’t exactly write about my system and then… not work on my system.
Blogging itself might create a pattern, with its own associated momentum to move me back into it.
I am not… using the system, not logging my time for writing this blog-post.
But I will get back to it, just after.
And I hope, I’ll manage to use this experience to derive a protocol, that I can mentally practice to prevent this situation happening again.
Though of course, it is not a binary proposition.
What I can hope for, is an improvement. Not a complete solution.

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